Bride's Reason for Excluding Her Mom From Wedding Planning Backed

A couple who didn't let their mothers know about their "surprise wedding" in advance have been backed by users on Reddit.

In a post shared on Reddit's Am I The A***** (AITA) subforum under the username Careless_Evidence_46, the 33-year-old woman and her 35-year-old husband said the couple turned their engagement party into a "small surprise wedding" instead. Guests were only notified about the wedding upon arriving at what they thought was an engagement celebration.

The poster said that both her mom and her husband's mom said they were "disappointed." By it being an impromptu wedding, the moms said the couple "had taken away their opportunity to be with us when we chose a venue, did wedding planning stuff."

Were the newlyweds being selfish?

Psychotherapist Avigail Lev told Newsweek that "this couple has the right to have the wedding they desire."

Psychotherapist Amy Morin agreed, saying to Newsweek: "It's not the couple's job to make everyone else feel comfortable or happy."

The latest Reddit post follows a record year for weddings in the U.S., where an estimated 2.6 million couples got hitched in 2022, according to The Knot. The wedding planning website conducted a February 2023 survey of 12,000 couples who tied the knot in 2022.

The survey found that 73 percent of couples relied on their friends and family in the wedding planning process, among a range of other sources of help.

The user in the latest Reddit post said her 66-year-old father "suddenly passed away" in February. "It's been a big shock and adjustment for everyone."

She said: "I'm not a fan of big parties," so the couple decided on hosting a small engagement celebration, having a "nice meal at a fancy hotel, everyone can dress up."

But the more they planned and talked about it, they thought "it would be fun to just get married" and that "a small surprise wedding" would suit them. "Especially with my dad passing away I didn't want a traditional big white wedding."

All went to plan and the guests, including the couple's mothers, who arrived for the engagement party, were surprised. "Everyone seemed happy at the time, people were laughing. Saying they should have expected it."

However, when they returned from their honeymoon, both mothers pulled them aside separately "to say they were disappointed in us."

They were both "especially upset" that they never got to go wedding dress shopping, the poster said, "which I ironically didn't even do." The bride bought her wedding dress online and "it was the first and only dress" she tried on.

The poster asked: "AITA for taking away everyone's chance to be involved with the wedding?"

Moms Should Not 'Ruin the Memories'

Dr. Carole Lieberman, a psychiatrist based in Beverly Hills, California, told Newsweek: "The poster was still grieving for her father when she made these 'wedding' plans, so she should not have to apologize to anyone.

"In the shadow of her father's death, the poster was unable to handle the stress of planning a formal wedding. So, the mothers, though disappointed, should not ruin the memories of the day, which sounds like it was a clever, creative fun alternative."

The Couple 'Shouldn't Be Blamed'

Lev, the director of the Bay Area CBT Center, which specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, said the couple "shouldn't be blamed for their choices."

She explained that "a wedding day is meant for the couple to prioritize their own desires, not cater to everyone else's expectations. It's important for others to accept and respect their decision."

Morin, the host of the Mentally Stronger With Therapist Amy Morin podcast, said: "It's likely that the mothers are grieving what they think they lost." She said the moms had "their hearts set on planning a wedding together" and "feel sad that they won't have the opportunity to do that.

"It's up to a couple to decide what kind of wedding they want. And it's okay for other people to disapprove or be saddened by it," she added.

'You're Allowed to Be Selfish'

Several users shared support for the original poster.

User 0kayte said: "NTA [not the a*****]. Your wedding, your way! Your mums can feel disappointed but this suited you two. You both agreed that this minimized the insanity and pressure that a big wedding can involve. Both of you are happy. That's really all that matters..."

User Jedisilk015 wrote: "This is totally a time you're allowed to be selfish...spouses parents should count themselves lucky that they chose not to elope and included them AT ALL. NTA."

User FemmeLightning wrote: "I agree completely...it's selfish AF [as f***] for your moms to make this about THEM!!..."

Roadgoddess said: "NTA - in the least! They both had a chance to plan their own weddings. This is your opportunity..."

Newsweek has contacted the original poster for comment via the Reddit messaging system.

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Newsweek is committed to challenging conventional wisdom and finding connections in the search for common ground.

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